my past,my present, my future

hello my name is sherry edgett and i once held on to my past like it was a badge of honor. you know look at what i did and how i got through this yes i gave god credit but i also treated it like it was my victory not his. how blind i was to fill this way. when i was young i grew up in a slightly dis functional family. my father was 18 years older than my mother and her first son was not my fathers but a product of rape and also incest being my half brother was my uncles son my moms brother. i know now this must of instilled great shame for her and i also believe she felt less than whole about herself because she had to see her rapist on a daily bases. i know from her story she married a man just to give my half brother a name and to cover the shame of this horrible event. not to mention raising him knowing he wasn't just a product of rape but also her brothers child. this caused my mother to have very little faith or trust in family and in her self but most of all in god himself. when she decided to really live for god she became and evangelist and was one hundred percent sold out to him. but there was one thing she could not bring herself to and that was to forgive her brother completely or herself even though it was not her fault and he was extremely drunk when it happened this does not excuse the act . so my mom grew up with a lot of guilt and anger even though she loved my brother looking at him was a constant reminder of that horrific act. she felt displaced as a woman and found her self in later years in some elicit affairs and taking some turns that led her in many wrong directions. when her first marriage went bust because her husband turned out not only to be abusive but gay also she found her and her son alone and having to work to support him . she went through a lot of ups and downs sometimes her son was living with family and some times with her . she remarried my father and they had five children in her own way she tried hard to be good wife and mother but i now realize many monsters still tormented her it showed in her every day life and her married life and her christian walk . she would some times gain ground when she let god in, does this sound familiar ? but even with all life dealt her in the long run she never gave up and i believe when she passed away in the emergency room there alone with no human comfort god was there and she finally made peace with all her past demons and was finally freed. and in someways i have followed the same paths she trod maybe in different areas some the same. i guess what i am saying we all have shame full secrets some bigger than others and some of us learn to hide them better. but what we must realize we have to let them go or they will eat us alive and cheat us of gods love and Devinne will. so my past is past and my present is healing my future bright. one thing i do know i do forgive my mother and my father for there mistakes but god is also allowing me to see my own need to forgive myself of my own past sins. yes i am a saved sanctified holy ghost filled christian who is finally finding herself in god. and letting go of all hurt anger self doubt , and lack of trust issues, abandonment issues, and the need to be in the center all the time in some way or the other. god is 100% my guide my Redeemer my healer my friend father, broker, banker, reallastate agent, counselor, saviour, teacher, lord of all. i may have made some major mistakes in my life and i used to beat myself up allot and put on a painted face of victory but no more from now on the face you see will be one of true deliverance and peace. because god is my top guide and his word is my salvation his son my redeemer his spirit my guide and armor bearer.